shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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