Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
