There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
