Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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