my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
