brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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