Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
