my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
