respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
