Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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