I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
