I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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