currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
