I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
