She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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