well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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