You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize