Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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