Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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