I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
