Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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