Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
