I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
