dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
