I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
