They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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