You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
