I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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