2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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