So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I wear drunk well.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
