can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
