you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
