Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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