I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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