dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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