I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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