I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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