I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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