I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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