I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
