just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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