how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
