If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
