genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I deserve this hangover.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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