I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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