so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
