there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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