I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
