soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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