I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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