did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
