I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
