you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
