exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
