a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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