Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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