im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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