I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
