Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
