his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
