just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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