Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
