i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
