Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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