do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
