Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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